There are only two things certain in life, they say, death and taxes. Of course, that’s wrong – all of us walking around on this earth were once born. That’s a certainty too.
I have spent the last two decades learning about the importance of a good birth. And now I am learning why a good death matters too – not just for the person at the centre, but for their family and friends. Life transitions deserve gentle support, fierce boundary setting, ceremony and ritual, laughter, joy and tears.
We are all dying. Some of us will be lucky enough to be able to think about how we would ideally like that to happen. We can write wills, leave instructions, clean up the detritus of our lives so we leave as little mess behind as possible and say all the things that were hitherto unsaid.
We take all this for granted. And yet being born well and dying well are privileges so many don’t get. Right now in Ukraine, Palestine, Syria, Yemen, and Sudan, to name but a few, the very basic human rights and rites of passage have been taken away. Babies are being born into famine, people are dying before their time, lives ripped away from them, often alone and lonely in their last moments.
Even in death I will be privileged. I will be lucky enough to be surrounded by love and support, I am sure of that. I cannot give away any of my privilege to those in need. I cannot save them. I no longer have enough energy to physically help or navigate the passionate feelings of others affected directly or indirectly by tragedy.
But I can say my piece as someone who is facing the grim reaper. Everyone deserves to be born in peace, surrounded by love. Everyone deserves to die in peace, surrounded by love.
As I slowly become a more shadowy figure in this world, I am reflecting on the horrific mess I will be leaving behind and I am ashamed and sorry that my generation of women couldn’t turn the tide of patriarchal greed that has ravished this planet. We have been reduced to helpless consumers, salving our souls with a new mascara.
And for those of us who feel passionate and scared for our children, the ills of the world bite. Some of us bite back, entreating others to join the fight and berating them when they don’t. Some feel helpless and hopeless and turn their faces to the sun for fear of losing their minds. The pain is the same. The desire for peace is the same.
Our enemies are the same.
If there is one thing I would like to see before I die is the seeds of change taking root. Right now there is no fertile soil for revolution because those who benefit from slaughter know precisely how to keep peace from sprouting healthy new shoots. Dividing us by inciting culture wars, they sow the toxic seeds of fear and violence. We are told arguments are binary, sides must be taken, shame and blame thrown like rockets and bombs.
For change to take root, we must work together, despite our differences. We cannot change hearts and minds with violent words. Compassion lives in the grey areas of people’s messy, lived experience. Division causes lack. It starves us of the energy we need to change the world. At its heart, division is a drought, ensuring that only unkindness can pass our parched lips.
It is only when seeds are watered that their roots can force apart the smallest crack in the stone and, eventually, blossom. It’s time to stop and consider who benefits from the culture wars. Who retains power and privilege at the expense of your autonomy and rights? These are the people who must be dethroned, not that woman on instagram who called you an idiot.
Things might make you deliriously angry every time you look at social media but I wonder what that white heat might fuel? I wonder what might happen if, instead of using your words to hurt and win, you channel your feelings into curiosity? Why does that person feel the way they do? What has life served up for them and taught them? What could you say to find a point of connection and mutual understanding?
If you are White, if you have enough to eat, if your house isn’t being bombed, if your children are safe, if you have your health, you are lucky and with that luck comes a duty. Those of us with privilege need to add to the sum total of human happiness. We are bound by bonds of love for humanity to work hard to create community and collaboration. For it will take many of us to sap the power of those who seek to stir up division and profit from violence. Our role is to create allies, not enemies.
Peace isn’t achieved merely by rich men in suits signing ceasefire agreements. True peace is the sum total of millions of small acts of kindness and compassion. Words that bridge gaps, gentle smiles of understanding, curious enquiry, wise boundaries maintained without violence, openness to compromise, open hearts and open minds are all small acts of rebellion. We exist in a status quo that thrives on conflict and maintains control by stoking the fires of fear and discord. Each time someone rises to the bait and slings insults or bullets, we help maintain that status quo.
We as individuals can’t cure the ills of the world. But we can implement palliative measures. Each time you react to hate with kindness, every time you seek to understand someone’s ‘why’, instead of puffing up in response to their ‘what’, you salve some of humanity’s pain. While we seek a cure, our focus should be on treating the symptoms of the disease to ensure we maintain the dignity and minimise the discomfort of every human being. Palliative care isn’t about death, it’s about life – ensuring people can live fulfilled, joyful, connected lives free from disharmony and conflict for as long as possible.
The way you work toward peace and provide these palliative measures is up to you. You may be bringing up children with a strong sense of service to community. You might be campaigning. You might use your talents to raise awareness of issues close to your heart. Maybe you are just living your life as morally as you can whilst keeping your head above water. Whatever your contribution, let it be a positive one. I find it hard to imagine anyone lying on their deathbed wishing they had caused more discord and disagreement. One day I’ll lie on mine safe in the knowledge that I worked hard for harmony. I hope you’ll be able to say the same. We won’t all get it right all the time. It is human to fuck up. But at the end of all our short or long lives, all we will be judged on is how much love we gave and received.
Leave a Reply